


Foolish Dream

by skm_creations



Category: Six of Crows Series - Leigh Bardugo
Genre: F/M, Lots of Angst, takes place after the duology is finished
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-21
Updated: 2019-07-21
Packaged: 2020-07-10 07:36:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,404
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19902127
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/skm_creations/pseuds/skm_creations
Summary: Kaz Brekker has a dream. One that he deems 'foolish', but one that he wants, despite this. Will he ever be able to attain it? Or will it slip through his fingers?





	1. Chapter I

Things felt… different. Very different. 

Van Eck was gone, and Pekka Rollins was suddenly gone, too. It felt like the air in Ketterdam was breathable again, despite the obvious smells that came from living there. This morning, however, it felt as though Kaz Brekker’s world had stopped, for the smallest moment.

For years and years, he had made sure that he didn’t touch another soul. He couldn’t bear it. The slightest touches felt like he was being burned, like he wasn’t able to breathe. But somehow, by some miracle or by some cruel hand of fate, he was slowly beginning to touch others, again. It started small, like it had to, but this didn’t make it any easier. It still hurt to feel anyone else’s flesh on his own, but someone had broken through to him. Yes, Inej Ghafa had somehow worked her way into his heart, opening up the floodgates to his trauma. Luckily for him, she was nice enough to take it slow, instead of expecting him to be okay with it all at once. Despite this, it still hurt to touch, but it was easier when it was with her.

He thought back to when he had redone Inej’s bandages, how close he had been to her. He hadn’t been so close to someone like that in years. It was strange. It felt almost unnatural, like a far off destination that he wasn’t allowed to reach. And maybe it was. Even though she had let him, that she had encouraged it, how was he to know that it was okay? Kaz thought back to his lips barely brushing against her skin, a moment that he never expected would happen. It felt like it wasn’t supposed to happen, but he didn’t regret it in the slightest. The contrary, actually. He wanted it to happen again, even. But he didn’t realize how far behind he still was.

He didn’t need to see the look of surprise to know that she was shocked when she saw his bare hands at the docks, resting uncomfortably on his cane. He was painfully aware of his friends staring at his hands whenever they weren’t covered, as if looking to see if any of the myths or legends were true about him. None of them were, of course, but he didn’t feel the need or want to tell them otherwise. So, he simply let them. He let them stare. He probably could tell them not to, but, then again, making them wonder why they were so plain instead of horribly scarred or actually claws was somewhat enjoyable. They didn’t need to know, and that was that.

But things changed around Inej. It was as though she had taken a sledgehammer to his high walls and had begun to break them down, trying to get to his core. Kaz had built his walls significantly tall, but he was sure that she would be able to break through them, eventually. She had an effect on him that he wasn’t sure was fortunate or unfortunate. Maybe it was both. Fortunate for Kaz Rietveld, but unfortunate for Dirtyhands, the Barrel boss, the ruthless leader of the Dregs. She had given him the strength to reach out his hand to her, and she was the one that accepted it. It burned the whole time, but, at the same time, he didn’t want to let go of her hand. It was an odd feeling, and one that he hadn’t felt since he was only a child.

In the three weeks since they had taken down Van Eck, Kaz had gotten to work getting her family back and getting her a ship. However, when she said that she wasn’t done with Ketterdam, that she was going to stay awhile longer, he couldn’t deny the relief he felt. She wasn’t leaving yet, even though he had provided the means for her to. She had every right to go, but, for some reason, she decided to stay with him. He wasn’t sure why. He was the bastard of the Barrel, Dirtyhands, the one who had caused so much misery to so many, the one that had helped turn her into a criminal and a killer. Why would she want to stay by his side?

The next surprise was when she asked him to meet her parents. Kaz was sure that her parents wouldn’t exactly be thrilled that he was a criminal, and that he had made their once innocent daughter into a criminal, just like him. But who was he to refuse? He wasn’t sure if he was able to, at this point. As they approached her parents, the realization struck him again that he wasn’t wearing his gloves. There was no way he would shake their hands without them. He might have been able to hold Inej’s hand, but how could he touch complete strangers, when it had been so difficult to hold the hand of the girl he cared about so deeply? Unfortunately for him, he wasn’t able to get to them before they finally made it to her parents. As the family embraced, however, he found the opportunity to slip them onto his hands, stretching his fingers a bit in them, feeling the comfort of the leather. He knew that Inej would’ve liked him to keep them off, but she had to be aware that there was no way he could do that just yet. It was just too difficult.

Kaz shook their hands. They had some conversation and, even though he should’ve gone back to the Slat to work, he knew he couldn’t leave Inej. He knew how hard it would be for her to confront everything she had done since they had last seen each other. He silently cursed himself at growing this soft. He should be able to say no to her, like normal. So why the hell was it so hard right now? Was it because of the prospects of their future? Because he was coming to terms with his feelings for her? Or was it because he knew he’d be in the same position, had he and his brother just been separated, and then reunited?

Kaz was positive that Jordie would’ve hated to see the man that he had become, but there wasn’t anything he would’ve been able to do to change the fact that his younger brother was now a killer and a criminal. And a damn good one, at that. There was no way he wouldn’t be disappointed. This was who he had become, and he had accepted it. Despite this, Kaz liked to hold the belief that Jordie would understand why he had turned into this, that he would still accept and love his little brother.

At some point, however, Kaz did have to go back to work. Before he went, he gently touched her arm with his hand and, although gloved, it felt different than any other time he had touched her arm. It felt taboo and full of the feelings he had realized he had for her. How could one touch convey that much? He bid her family goodbye, and made his way back to the Slat. 

He thought that Inej was lucky to have parents that didn’t care that she had become a criminal, that they were just happy that she was alive and well. He was sure that they weren’t happy that she was, of course, but the thought of her just being alive, and knowing the circumstances as to why she became this way, made them brush it aside. They were there for her, and that was special. It was important to her, and he knew this.

By the time he had gotten back to his desk, sat down, and began to work, he regretted leaving. It was strange. He supposed it was because she was no longer by his side at most times of the day, that she was now spending her time at Wylan’s, instead. He knew why, but he did miss her, Jesper, and even Wylan and Nina. Things at the Slat felt different without them. Almost… lonely. He had attempted to not make many friends at the Crow Club, because Dirtyhands couldn’t get attached to people he could lose, but he had somehow gotten attached to them. Without them, the club felt wrong. Different. He didn’t like it, but he couldn’t change it. 

It was about mid-day when he noticed her. He had been deep in his work, but not deep enough to not notice her presence. Instead of the silence that they normally kept for a few minutes, staying in each other’s company, he looked at her, speaking first.

“How was it?”

To his fortune, she smiled. God, he loved that smile. It was one he’d kill to see. One he already had killed to see.

“It was good. You didn’t have to do that, you know.” Inej leaned against the wall of his office, her eyes scanning over his pale face. “You aren’t trying to make me in debt to you again, are you?”

Her caution was warranted. The bastard of the Barrel wasn’t someone who would just do this without a price. Then again, this was a side of the bastard that nobody had known was there still, not even him. He responded, “What ever gave you that idea?”

Inej just shrugged, but her lips quirked up in a half smile. She turned her head to look out his window, the sunlight shining on her dark braid, a slight breeze blowing through. This moment felt like it dragged on for a long while, but Kaz wasn’t particularly complaining about that. They were silent together, calm. It was nice. Almost too nice, especially for criminals like them. She looked back at him. “Thank you, Kaz. You know how much it means to me.”

“I do.”

Kaz fell silent again, as if calculating what to say next. He was normally so smooth, so collected, but ever since holding her hand this morning, he felt frazzled. Like there was something wrong with the world that he couldn’t quite place. Inej must’ve sensed this, or knew how he was feeling. She had seen how she was with touch. She knew how big it was for him to hold her hand.

“You held my hand.”

“I did.”

More silence. This time, however, the silence felt deafening. Kaz was relieved when Inej broke it again.

“Why are you afraid to touch people?” Inej’s eyes were staring into his, and he knew her curiosity was justified. “You stiffen and flinch whenever I do. And you fainted, in the prison wagon.”

Kaz wasn’t sure what to say. He had never told anyone what had happened to him, about why he was scared to touch anyone. He wasn’t even sure if he was ready to have the conversation now. It felt like opening an old wound, and he was worried he would bleed out because of it. But he could feel her trying to knock down his walls again, and it was hard to refuse. Finally, he said, “It has to do with my past with my brother.”

“You mentioned him to Rollins. He… isn’t around anymore, is he?”

Kaz just nodded his head at her question.

Inej fell silent again, seeming to process his words. He wasn’t sure what she was thinking, but he hoped that it wasn’t too bad. She broke the silence. “I’m sorry, Kaz.”

“It’s fine.”

Inej reached her hand out slowly, as if timid, but her hand rested on his cheek, just like at the Ice Court. It took everything in Kaz’s power not to flinch, and he was successful. They stayed like that for a moment, her hand burning into his skin. His eyes held the pain that he felt, but she didn’t pull away, not by a long shot. She was trying to help him, he knew this, but it was so hard for him to continue this. He didn’t pull away, though. Finally, her hand moved away from him, and their eyes seemed locked into place. She was concerned about him, and it showed on her normally stoic face.

“You don’t have to tell me everything, Kaz. I know that you don’t want to. But you should, someday. I think it would be beneficial to you and your friends.”

Kaz nodded slowly, his bitter coffee eyes not moving away from her. “I’ll take it into consideration.” 

Silence fell again, but it was a comfortable one. One that was relaxing, in a world of seemingly chaos. He hoped that it would last, that she would stay, but he knew that she couldn’t stay for long. She had her family to go back to. 

“I need to get back,” Inej told him. “You should come over for dinner at Wylan’s home. The others would like to see you, too.” She didn’t give him an opportunity to respond, disappearing from his office.

Kaz leaned back in his seat slowly, looking out the window at the sunny day, thinking over everything that had just happened. It was a lot all in a short span, but he couldn’t say it was all bad. He knew that she was right. He needed to get past this. Maybe dinner wouldn’t be such a bad thing, after all.


	2. Chapter II

The sun was setting, leaving Ketterdam in an orangish pink hue, tourists grouped together, criminals moving in plain sight without them realizing, but all avoiding the cripple as he walked through the streets. Kaz was used to this by now, and he preferred it this way. No one wanted to cross Dirtyhands, and it meant that he had been doing something right this whole time. He approached the Van Eck estate, wondering how this could possibly go. Inej’s parents had been nice enough when they first met earlier that day, but they had only met for a short time. He could only imagine what they could’ve heard, up to this point. It was no matter, though. He was a master manipulator and liar. He could weasel himself out of any tough situation, couldn’t he? 

Kaz knocked on the door, and it didn’t take long for Jesper to answer it, a grin appearing on his face. It had been awhile since they had last seen each other, and Kaz thought that it was good to see him again. He would never admit this to Jesper, or anyone, though. 

“Look at who it is,” Jesper said, opening the door wider. “You’re almost late. Almost.”

“I’m not.” Kaz stepped onto the landing, looking around the Van Eck estate. It felt different here than before, but he couldn’t help but feel stiff. He was wading into unknown territory. 

“Let me have this, okay? You can do with not being so punctual all the time.”

Jesper brought him deeper into the house, where Kaz could hear casual chatting in the other room. He stepped into the living room and saw Inej, her parents, and Wylan, all talking together. Kaz could barely make it out, until they stopped, seeing him arrive. Her parents seemed to look at him differently now, as if they had found out what Dirtyhands had done throughout the years. He shouldn’t be surprised; Inej had to have told them some of what they had been doing together. Kaz walked into the group with Jesper and put on a slight smile at them. He had to be warm and inviting to them.

“It’s good to see you both again.” This wasn’t something that Kaz normally said, but the situation warranted it. He knew that his friends would see through it, would see that he was attempting to hide his… “bastard tendencies”, but the Suli parents wouldn’t be able to tell. 

“You, too, Kaz.” Mrs. Ghafa was the one that said this. She held out her hand to shake again, and Kaz took it, shaking it once before pulling away. “Inej has been telling us about you and your… group.”

She must’ve meant the gang. Or did she mean the six of them that had broken into the Ice Court? There was no way to tell for sure, so Kaz brushed it aside, keeping his demeanor cool.

“Has she?” Kaz cast a glance at Inej, aware of her discomfort. She had definitely told them about some of the horrible things they had done together. No matter. This was the life that he had chosen to live, and it was too late to turn his back on it, now.

“Yes.” 

There was an uncomfortable silence for a brief second, and everyone in the room felt it. 

Wylan broke the silence, and Kaz thanked the Saints he definitely didn’t believe in for him doing so. “So… we made some dinner for everyone, if you all want to try it. Jesper is a surprisingly good cook.”

“What’s so surprising about it?” Jesper scowled at him.

“Nothing.” Wylan quickly brushed it aside. “If you all want to sit down, we can bring it out.”

Saints, that meant that he’d be alone with Inej and her parents.

“That would be nice, thank you,” Mr. Ghafa told them, nodding his head. He didn’t look at Kaz with the same emotion as his wife; it was more disappointed over anything else.

With that, Wylan and Jesper left, and Kaz let Inej lead them to the dining room, Kaz gripping onto his cane tightly. They sat in an uncomfortable silence, something unspoken between the three beside him. He sat beside Inej, her parents across from them.  _ What the hell is this _ ?

Why was it always Inej who broke the silence? Was it because she knew Kaz wouldn’t speak up, rather than staying in a silence than speaking about their “feelings”?

“Mama, Papa, I know you are cautious about Kaz.”

Not the conversation he wanted to have.

Mr. Ghafa shook his head again, reaching his hand across the table to touch Inej’s hand. “I believe that our worries are in line with the things we’ve heard from you and around this city. But, we do appreciate what you did to our daughter, and all you’ve done to help her, Kaz.”

Kaz nodded slowly, watching both of Inej’s parents. “It was nothing. She’s… an important asset to me. The Crow Club might be full of thieves and thugs, but we do what we can to help her.” 

“So we’ve heard. We’re glad that someone has, at least, watched out for her, even if their intentions weren’t as pure.”

Immediately after Inej’s father said this, Jesper and Wylan appeared with the food, setting it down on the table. The rest of the dinner went well enough. It was quiet, with only scattered conversation throughout it. It wasn’t surprising. Inej’s parents, Inej, and Kaz were all tense around each other, whereas Jesper and Wylan were… well, Jesper and Wylan. At one point, Inej’s mother asked Kaz why he wore his gloves constantly, why they didn’t appear to have come off since their meeting that morning. Kaz brushed her question aside, simply saying that they were a comfort, and left it at that. If he wasn’t telling his closest friends and allies about his fear of touch, then he certainly wasn’t telling Inej’s parents. He couldn’t. After dinner, Kaz stayed for a while longer for Inej, but steadily grew more uncomfortable with the situation, as it went on. This didn’t show at all to anyone else, of course. Finally, he said his goodnights, and went back to the Slat, putting his hat back on top of his neat hair. He breathed in Ketterdam’s air, dark clouds beginning to swirl overhead. It seemed that there was going to be a spring rain tonight.

The walk back to the Slat took longer than he had hoped, and it had started to drizzle by the time he was back. He clambered up the stairs, finally reaching his room. He stepped inside and there stood Inej.

Kaz watched her for a long moment, standing in his doorway. He wasn’t expecting to see her. Finally, he said, “What business?” He stepped inside the room and closed the door behind him.

“You left soon after we ate.”

“I did.”

“Why?”

Kaz was silent for a moment, calculating the right response. “I wasn’t exactly thrilled with the looks I was getting, and how uncomfortable everyone seemed. I hope me leaving earlier wasn’t wrong of me.” He set his cane down, and slowly took off his gloves, setting them on the desk. He noticed her glances to them every now and then. She was still fascinated with them, as everyone was when he took his gloves off.

“I see.”

They stood there for a moment, each of them watching each other in the dark, only the light from a lantern illuminating them. It was comfortable, though, unlike the rest of the night. Kaz knew that, if he and Inej were to have any future together, he would have to become more comfortable with her family, but that didn’t have to happen right away. 

“If it was wrong of me to do it, I won’t do it again.”

“It’s okay. I understand.” Inej took a step closer to him. “We need to meet up tomorrow. I want to get to work taking down Barrel bosses. Other Barrel bosses,” she corrected when she saw his face.

Kaz nodded once. “Alright. We can do that.”

Something had changed between them, and Kaz couldn’t exactly pinpoint when it had happened. Was it when he realized his feelings for her? Or when he had confessed to her? When he had decided to change? He wasn’t sure. He wasn’t even sure if it mattered or not when it had happened. As much as he cared for Inej, he didn’t like having a weakness. It made his line of work so much more difficult, especially if word got out that she was his weakness. It wouldn’t be good for either of them.

Before he had known it, Inej was close to him. They had both closed the distance between them. Almost as close as they had been when he had changed her bandages, weeks before. His breathing was a little heavy, his eyes wide. This felt too fast, all of a sudden. He wasn’t sure if he could do this. At the end of the day, the feared Dirtyhands, bastard of the Barrel, Kaz Brekker was terrified to touch the girl he liked, despite his feelings for her. He wanted to not be terrified, he wanted to be normal, but how could he be? His eyes fluttered closed for half a second, and the memory of being surrounded by bodies and holding Jordie’s body flashed in his mind’s eye, and he snapped them open, taking a stumbling step away from her, his feelings plain on his face. He was always able to contain his feelings, always, but not right now, and it surprised Inej.

“I can’t.” His voice was a raspy whisper. “Not yet. I can’t.”

Inej nodded, and he could tell that she wanted to take another step toward him, to comfort him, but she stayed back, and he was grateful for that. “I’m sorry for being so sudden.”

“You don’t need to apologize.” Kaz steadied himself, managing to look at her face again. She didn’t know the severity of his trauma. “It’s fine.”

The silence that fell was more uncomfortable now. Kaz caught his breath, and stood up straight again. He finally broke it, “One day, I’ll tell you. I’ll tell you why I’m this way. But I can’t just yet. I ask you to be patient for when I can.”

“Of course. I understand.” Inej reached out her hand and lightly touched his sleeve, causing him to wince. Her hand left as soon as it had touched him. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Yeah. Tomorrow. Dawn.”

Inej nodded to him, and disappeared. It was a horrible way to end an already strange day.


	3. Chapter III

Things hadn’t been awkward since that night, but things hadn’t been normal between Kaz and Inej, and that was for sure. He felt more tense, and so did she. Every time he tried to tell her about his past, the words got stuck in his throat, and he couldn’t seem to get them out. He cursed himself for not being able to, because he really did want to. She was doing a good job at chipping away at his walls. 

Even though he missed his older brother, he couldn’t help but curse at him. He had left Kaz all alone, to fend for himself in this cruel world. Yes, it had been Pekka Rollins’s fault that they were defenseless against the plague, but Jordie was the one that succumbed to it. Why couldn’t he have just been stronger? Some older brother he had been.

The days on the farm had been better. So much better. It had been peaceful, serene. Living on a farm was a simple enough life, and he had enjoyed his time there, while he was there. But, of course, his father died. He hadn’t been strong enough for his sons, either. It felt like Kaz had been the only one strong enough to survive this world, and survive he did. Maybe a little too well, for that matter. He wasn’t necessarily ashamed of what he had become; in order to survive, he had to become this. People called him monster, Dirtyhands,  _ demjin _ by Matthias, and he let it all slide off his back. If he could take a beating from thugs, then hearing these names for himself was nothing. 

But things were different with Inej, weren’t they? 

Ever since he had realized his feelings for her, he had been struggling with it. When he first realized it, he denied it completely. There was no way that he could’ve gotten feelings for the Wraith. But, the more time went on, the more terrors that awaited them and threatened to harm her, his feelings only were made stronger and stronger. Now, it was at the point where he couldn’t deny it any more. He had to accept it. That didn’t make it any easier, though. She seemed to be okay with him, with wanting to stay by his side, but she also had her ambitions to leave.  _ So go with her _ , he thought.  _ You won’t be separated then _ . He quickly shook the thought from his head, though. He couldn’t. He was a Barrel boss and he had people under his command that he needed to look out for now. She was going to go her separate way, and that was that. Despite knowing this, the thought of following her tugged at his mind, especially after that other night. 

They had been so close again, just as close as when he was changing her bandages. He cursed himself for being too weak to remain like that with her, to stay in that moment for even a little bit longer. He wanted to, but he just couldn’t. It still hurt to touch her skin, despite everything. He wondered if he’d ever get better or be able to touch her or others the way she was able to. It was something he was envious of. The trauma from the plague haunted him, and it was a constant reminder of his past. 

_ Isn’t that what you said? _ a voice told him.  _ ‘“Suffering is like anything else. Live with it long enough, you learn to like the taste.’" _

Kaz let out a huff of air and looked out at the ocean again, watching the waves pound onto the jagged rocks. The wind had begun to pick up, but the sun was shining overhead, the misty sea water glistening on his hair. He closed his eyes for the briefest of seconds and, during that time, Inej had appeared beside him. They were quiet together, but, instead of looking at the ocean like him, Kaz could feel her brown eyes scanning over his profile. He didn’t say anything about it, though, and felt the world begin to slow. It always seemed to, when they were together like this, nowadays. He wasn’t sure if he loved it or hated it.

Finally, she spoke. “What business?”

It was then that Kaz looked over at her, but only for a moment, before turning back to the sea. “I wanted to talk about taking down Tante Heleen.” He could sense her stiffen a little. They hadn’t talked yet on who to take down first, but he had decided that she was the first one that they would go after.

“Alright. How do you think we should do this?”

“It all centers around money.”

And on they talked. The longer they went through plans and scenario after scenario, the less stiff the air felt around them. Finally, Kaz ended up looking at her as they spoke, and they stood there for a long while, the sun beginning to set by the time they were finished with it. There was something tugging at Kaz, telling him not to blow this. They were planning on taking out a huge enemy, for the first time in weeks. They couldn’t have this tension between them any longer. So, before they parted ways, he changed the conversation.

“How have things been, with your family?”

Inej looked surprised at his change in conversation, as if she had expected him to talk business, and then leave. He knew that this wasn’t like him, but he was trying to change, for her. “They’re good. They’ve enjoyed seeing where I’ve been staying, this whole time.”

“That’s good.” Kaz nodded and looked out at the ocean, thinking. “Do you know how long they’re going to stay?”

“Not yet. We’ve been… figuring it out.”

Kaz didn’t like the way she said that.

“Are you planning on leaving with them?”

Inej fell silent.

The stiffness and tension returned, and her silence was deafening, like not saying anything was somehow an answer to his question. He couldn’t stand this silence. 

“I see. I should get back to the Slat.”

Kaz turned to leave, his back to her. He saw this coming, just not so soon. Too soon.

“Kaz.”

He didn’t look back at her. “What?”

“Come with me.”

This surprised him. He slowly turned to look at her. “Come with you?”

Inej nodded. Her eyes held a look he hadn’t seen before, one of longing. She wanted to stay by his side, it seemed. He remembered her words:  _ “I will have you without armor, Kaz Brekker. Or I will not have you at all.” _ Had he changed enough? Or was there something more to this?

“Why do you want me to come with you?” A better question would probably be why he should leave his position of power to go with her and her family, but he couldn’t seem to think clearly.

Inej couldn’t form a response. 

And so silence fell.

They stood there for what felt like a few minutes, looking at each other, Kaz begging her to answer his question in his head. He needed a reason to go. And even then, could he go? But she wasn’t giving him anything. 

When he couldn’t seem to take the silence any longer, he spoke for her. “You told me that you’d only have me without armor. It hasn’t been very long since then. What changed?”

Finally, finally, she said something. “I’ve seen what you’ve been doing, since then. I can tell that you’re trying to change. And I… don’t want to be separated from you. So… please, come with me.”

The sunlight seemed to dazzle perfectly on her hair, illuminating the scene, the ocean misting both of them. For this moment, Kaz felt like he was just a simple farm boy again, not a Barrel boss, not Dirtyhands, and certainly not the bastard of the Barrel. He was just a boy who loved a girl.


	4. Chapter IV

Months passed, and things had steadily gotten better and better. Everything was falling into place in the world, and it was a nice change. They had taken down Heleen easily. Although, any job seemed easy compared the one to break into the Ice Court. Inej’s parents were still in town, and Kaz assumed that they’d be here for awhile longer, until she left with them. He still hadn’t decided whether or not to go with her. All of this was so new, and she was asking him to leave their life here, the life he had spent so much effort on getting. It was an impossible decision, but he knew that he would have to make it, eventually. 

Touch was something that he was getting better at, too. It wasn’t easy, but he was finally able to briefly hold Inej’s hand without feeling the burning sensation. Of course, they couldn’t be for too long, but it was promising. She was finally making breakthroughs in changing him. It was small, but steady, and he had hopes for the future. They spent free moments together, more casual, instead of being Dirtyhands and his Wraith. They were making up for time they had lost from their childhoods, and their years that they had already spent together. 

The issue with this, however, was that people had begun to take notice. They were realizing that Dirtyhands did, in fact, have a weakness, and his weakness was right under everyone’s noses. Enemies of Kaz, of which he had multiple, were beginning to make plans to take down Kaz’s reign as a Barrel boss, and they knew exactly how to do it, now. That was the danger of this relationship, of being public enough to where people noticed that something was up. It was enough for people to realize that this was the way to take him down. Even though Kaz saw it coming, even though he knew that things were starting to look dangerous for them, he couldn’t seem to pry himself away from her. He figured that he would be able to protect her without sacrificing their relationship. How more wrong could he have been? 

It seemed like a regular day around the Slat. The Dregs were being their usual loud selves, and most of the members were messing around, instead of working. Of course, they pretended to go back to work when they saw Kaz, but he knew that they weren’t really working. He called them out for it, told them to get back to work, and went off to meet Inej. The rest of the gang had to have noticed how much time he spent with her, but he couldn’t find a reason to care that they knew. Everyone had already known that she was important to him, and he supposed that all of this was just solidifying their feelings toward their relationship. 

It was early in the morning, and there were light, fluffy clouds circling overhead. It was a nice day. Everyone seemed to be out and about, too. Kaz didn’t stop walking, even though he recognized that she was already beside him. They were supposed to meet up at the harbour, but he was running a little late. He guessed that she had come to check in on him. He slowed down his pace, and glanced over at the Wraith.

“You’re late.”

“I got caught up in something.”

“You always say that.”

“And I’ve told the truth every time. I run a gang, Inej.”

Inej just shrugged at his words, but a slight smile graced her lips. They continued to walk side by side, enjoying their time together. They found that being silent and together was better than being apart. They didn’t need to say anything to enjoy each other’s company. 

They spent the whole morning together. It was nice. Kaz enjoyed spending this type of time with her. By the end of it, they were back at the harbour, where they had stood months before, side by side. Kaz had his hands resting on his cane, but slowly let one of them fall to his side, inviting her to hold his hand, without his gloves on, again. It was getting easier and easier, now. She methodically took his hand, interlocking their fingers. He stiffened, and tried to relax himself, slowly winning over. They stood there, looking over the sea, for a moment before Kaz spoke.

“I’ve thought about what you said.”

Inej looked at him expectantly. Kaz couldn’t look at her.

“About going with you, when you leave.”

Realization dawned on her face. She had no idea what he was about to say, and she was either going to be happy that their time was going to continue, or upset that it was coming to a close. 

“I’ve decided that I-”

He wasn’t able to finish his sentence. Neither he or Inej had heard someone sneak up on them, too distracted by themselves and what they were saying to notice that he was there, until it was too late. A few gunshots rang out, and Inej crumpled beside him. Kaz’s world seemed to come to a stop, and his dark eyes widened at the sight, unable to fully process what was happening for a second. He looked at the person who had shot her, who was getting away. He knew that he wouldn’t be able to catch him. Well, he could, but Inej wouldn’t make it, if he went after him. Instead, he knelt beside her, pulling her into his arms, unable to believe that this was happening. This couldn’t be the way she died. It couldn’t. After all that she’d survived, there was no way that this could be how it happened. 

Inej had already lost a lot of blood. She had been shot three times in the chest, one time through her heart. Her eyes were fluttering open and shut, until they focused on his face. “Kaz?”

“Inej, I have to get you to a hospital, now.” Kaz’s movements were frantic, trying to get her into his arms.

“No, Kaz.” Inej was holding onto his sleeve, her grip weak.

“What do you mean no? We’re going. You’re going to survive.” 

Deep down, he knew it was unlikely.

“What were you going to say?” Inej’s voice was quiet.

“I…”

“Were you going to go with me?”

“Of course I was. And we still are. Come on, we’re going to the hospital.”

“You k-know I w-won’t make it there, Kaz.” Inej slowly reached one hand up and cupped his face in her hand, some of her blood getting onto it. He winced instinctively, but he didn’t pull away from her. “I’m sorry.”

“You don’t need to apologize for anything.” Kaz’s raspy voice had become quiet, almost desperate. She couldn’t die. She couldn’t. “Inej, you have to survive this. I need to make sure that you survive.”

Inej laughed lowly, and she closed her eyes for a split second before opening them again, looking into his. “Watch after my parents for me.”

“Of course, of course, I-”

“And don’t lose yourself.”

“Inej…”

Inej gently rubbed his cheek with her thumb. This couldn’t be happening. It felt like his world was crashing around him, again. She couldn’t die. She couldn’t. “I would’ve liked to travel with you.”

“We still can.” Kaz knew it was childish of him to think that she could possibly make it, but he couldn’t help it. 

“No, Kaz.”

Silence fell between them again for a second before Inej took a long, shuddering breath. “I love you.”

Her words hit him like a bullet. He never expected her to say something like that. How could she? Why? There were too many things swirling around his head, just from those three words. “Inej…” he managed to get out.

“Y-yes?” Inej whispered. Kaz could see the light starting to leave her eyes.

He was struggling with his next words, but he knew he’d regret it if he never said them. They were true, but he had been so in denial for so long that it was hard to even form the words properly. Finally, he managed them: “I love you, too.”

Inej smiled a little and nodded slightly. She took in a few more breaths, before her breathing stopped completely. Her hand fell from its position on his cheek. In an instant, the girl he had loved was taken from him.


	5. Chapter V

A sadness had crashed into Kaz, just like the one he had felt when Jordie had died. The difference was that he wasn’t struggling to survive, now. He had plenty of time to dwell on what had happened, on what his mistakes were in trying to save her from her fate. It had all been his fault. If they had just been more careful, if he had managed to get her to the hospital, maybe she’d still be alive right now. But no, he had been reckless and panicked, and it had led to her dying in his arms. 

His arms… Her cold flesh had touched him, and the feeling of another corpse, of watching someone he loved die beside him again, was too much for him to bear. He had, somehow, managed to carry her to Wylan’s house, stumbling a bit from the weakness in his legs and without the use of his cane. Her flesh felt like it was searing into his, and, when he arrived out front, he was barely able to set her down and get to a flower bed outside before he was sick. He hadn’t felt this way in ages. He felt like a boy again, breaking down from all of this, his body shaking. He caught his breath, closing his eyes, tears finally beginning to come to his eyes. No. He couldn’t cry. He couldn’t. He straightened himself up and stumbled to the door, knocking on it. He slowly picked her body up again, flinching at the feel of it. There were more tears in his eyes before he knew it, and Jesper opened the door.

Kaz knew that the sight in front of Jesper must’ve been something horrible. The normal Kaz, the collected self, the one that was confident, that seemed to have no weakness, was gone, replaced with a shaking boy who couldn’t hold back his tears any longer, with blood mixing with them. And then there was Inej’s body in his bare hands, which was another shocking turn. He saw tears come to Jesper’s eyes, too, as they stood there, two boys looking at each other, both in more pain than they wanted to admit.

The rest of the day went by in a blur. He had to explain to everyone what had happened, how it had happened. He was so wrapped up in his thoughts that he had forgotten he wasn’t wearing his gloves, until his hand had been grabbed by Jesper briefly, who didn’t realize that touching his best friend like this would cause a horrible reaction. Kaz flinched backward, and took a few steps away, stumbling a little, feeling sick again. It was too much. This hadn’t helped his trauma. It had only added to it. He could see the confusion and desperation on Jesper’s face. They were both just two farm boys who had lost someone special, and Jesper wanted the comfort and to comfort his friend. But Kaz couldn’t. He couldn’t stand to touch anyone ever again. He was sick again just from that moment, and closed his eyes. He hated that the others were seeing him like this, that they were seeing how weak he had become by seeing the person most important to him die in his arms. 

They were supposed to run away together. Kaz was going to leave the Barrel and everything he had built behind to go with Inej, when she was going to leave. But now… now she was gone. He was going to stay in Ketterdam. And here he thought that he and Inej were going to have a future, he was going to get past all of his trauma, and they would be happy together. He supposed, though, that this was how things always ended up with him. Everyone he cared for always left or died, and he was left with nothing but heartache. The walls that Inej had spent so long chipping away at had just grown taller and thicker, ever since he saw the light leave her eyes. The cruelty of this world dawned on him, and he knew that that happy boy from Lij would never come back. He was the bastard of the Barrel, through and through, and this just solidified it.

The funeral was unbearable, despite it being short. Kaz’s guilt was unbearable. Normally, he had none. So, having any felt like a weight on his shoulders that he couldn’t shake was too much to handle. He stood there, frozen in place, as he watched them bury Inej, his eyes tired and dead. He heard the others around him crying, even though they were trying to be quiet about it, but he didn’t cry. He couldn’t, not in front of all of these people. When the funeral was over, and everyone started to leave, Kaz stared at the spot where they had buried Inej, his mind foggy. He hated this feeling. It was all too familiar. He took a step forward, and slowly took his leather gloves off. She would’ve wanted him to move past this and continue moving ahead, but he knew he couldn’t. He set his gloves down on the grave, and turned silently, walking toward the others. He would end up buying more gloves, of course, but these ones, these ones that Inej had taken so much care to take off, would stay with her, instead.

The others didn’t say a word to him. They knew better than anyone that Kaz would likely not recover from any of this. He was sure that Jesper and Wylan wouldn’t forget his appearance, when he came to the house holding Inej’s body. He would never live it down, but he knew that they weren’t going to talk to anyone about it. Other Dregs members had tried to talk to Kaz about Inej, about what had happened, but he refused to listen to them or accept their comfort. He needed to overcome these emotions alone, just like before. 

But it wasn’t easy. No, he’d say it was even harder than when Jordie died. After he had died, Kaz had a focus, a goal, to stay alive. He didn’t have the free time that he had now. Now, in every free moment, he thought about what had happened. It felt like he could feel her skin against his hands again, even though he was wearing his new gloves. He could feel her hand cupping his cheek, her blood smearing onto his face, because of it. He could hear her telling him that she loved him. Why? Why did she love someone like him? And why had it taken them so long to say something about it? Was it always supposed to be an unspoken thing between them? Whatever the case, she at least died knowing how he felt about her. 

In the months after her death, he barely slept. He couldn’t bring himself to. Whenever he did, he just woke up more depressed, after having dreams filled with what could have been, or dreams imagining it happen again. He forced himself to stay up and work, so that he didn’t have to bear through them, anymore.

Days turned into weeks, weeks turned into months, and months turned into years. No matter how much time passed, it never got easier. He no longer thought about her death in every free moment, but there wasn’t a day that passed where he didn’t think about her. Even though it had been years since her death, he couldn’t stand to talk about her. It was still just too hard. It was the same way he couldn’t talk about Jordie’s death. He closed himself off completely, and didn’t let anyone in. Everyone in the gang noticed how furiosos he had become, how he had become even more brutal than before. It started with a hunt for whoever did this. Once they were taken care of, he moved onto the next job, burying himself in his work more and more, not letting anyone in. Jesper tried to break through to him, but he didn’t let him get past. No. He wouldn’t allow himself to get close to anyone the way he had become close to Inej. How could he? Whenever he did, he lost them. He wouldn’t allow himself to be hurt like that again. 

Kaz thought that he would just go back to being unable to touch people, but wouldn’t get sick anymore by touching, like he had right after Jordie’s death. But he was wrong about that. In a fight, his gloves had come off. He cursed himself for getting distracted, so that they were able to be pulled off. During it, though, they were grabbed, and he was held down with bare skin. He immediately felt sick, and, when he couldn’t escape and minutes had passed, the great Kaz Brekker found himself wanting to beg to be released. He didn’t, of course, but everything inside of him was screaming to be let go. His movements, that were normally coordinated and smooth, were desperate and panicked. His dark eyes were wide, a look in them that most didn’t see, and tears starting to well in them. Luckily for him, Jesper arrived, and was able to stop the people that had taken him down, while Kaz tried to recover. Even though he didn’t like anyone seeing him be sick like this, he was fortunate that it was just Jesper, rather than someone like Wylan or Nina. 

After that, he made sure to never touch another soul. He couldn’t anymore. It wasn’t possible. And so, Kaz Brekker cut himself off from the world, and became more of a monster than he had been before. But, in the back of his mind, he imagined a world where Inej had survived. One where they went away together. One where they stayed in Ketterdam together. One where they were both happy and alive, together. He stood at the harbour that they always went to, feeling the ocean, hearing the life behind and in front of him, imagining the possibilities that had once been before them. He shook his head.

“Another foolish dream.”


End file.
